January 11th - The Art of Dinner Partying

Undoubtedly this is a departure from my normal shtick...but come to think of it, this is probably what I, we, all of us over 30 should be doing around this rosy-colored middle age. In lieu of dragging ourselves around sticky dance floors under the influence of fruit-flavored spirits, we begin to go to the homes of others. Why?

Well, the people we've come to know are beginning to live in spaces worth visiting. They now have crap to sit on instead of those clear inflatable couches from college. The didn't spend the electricity money on beer, so there is heating or air-conditioning. After years of weed-smoking, they've learned the value of having munchable quantities on hand instead of having to scrounge up 2.99 from the floor of the car to make it to Burger King for a fish sandwich that may or may not make them cry. They may have even given up the weed-smoking habits because the job which affords them the house and furniture and food frowns upon that sort of activity. Additionally, they may have pets and/or children who prevent them from gallivanting about town until the clock strikes nothing. However, they still miss the joys of socializing and need desperately to talk to someone else besides their significant other, their toddling child or their overweight cat. Thus, they make the leap of hosting their own personal low-key extravaganza.

These people invite me and my significant other because we're an attractive couple on the road to nuptials who don't mind expressing affection in a manner that is appropriate to the given environment. We make interesting and relevant small talk, tell pleasant jokes, remove our shoes when we enter and know the proper time to make an exit. Finally, we are law-abiding citizens who aren't likely to be casing the joint for our newly escaped convict of a cousin. In other words, we are the quintessential housewarmers for which housewarming gatherings were intended. Since moving to Atlanta, we have been invited to more than our fair share of these events and I felt it would be prudent to share some valuable tips on both hosting and attending as if I'm some sort of expert. Plus my mom would really like this since she pretty much taught me all of this junk. Here goes...

For the host:

1. Always be sure to give your guests ample time to plan to attend. This way they can schedule your shindig accordingly and if needed you can change dates to be more accommodating. Plus, it builds enthusiasm. You'll hear things like "I'm really looking forward to our get-together" or "Shall, I bring my Scrabble set?"

2. Be sure to have or create an eclectic mix-tape of music with both popular and rarely heard (yet tasteful) selections. This serves two purposes. First it sets the tone for the evening depending on the tempo of the music. Second, if there are any uncomfortable silences it provides a fall-back topic of conversation such as " I love this song, it reminds me of.." or "Who is this song by? What's good to listen to these days?"

3. When guests arrive, let them know where the bathroom is immediately. This way you give them the opportunity to wash their filthy hands before touching all of your stuff. Make sure the bathroom is stocked with everything they will need to do their business IE. soap, paper towels, toilet paper, wet wipes, air freshener. It would also be a good idea to stow any pharmaceuticals, porn mags or anything you don't want your guests happening upon in a bathroom they are not likely to use.

4. If dinner is not prepared upon arrival, do make sure to present your guests with suitable snack and/or appetizing options. We all know that people make it a point to come to free food events as hungry as humanly possible. Don't allow them to sit there starving or they will talk about your ass after the fact. On the flip side, some people will have eaten beforehand because they don't trust your (or anyone else's) cooking. The provision of these snacks gives them an excuse to decline large portions when it comes time to sit down for dinner...(and it deters piggies if you especially liked whatever you made and you desire leftovers). Yo, this is real.

5. Prepare only those meal items that you have cooked at least once before. A dinner party is never the occasion to try out a new recipe. If it sucks, that's all your guest will remember and again, they will talk about you. If a dish goes awry make sure that it is something that can either be quickly replaced or something that the party can do without. Anyhow, know the food you're making. Know how it tastes. Present it in such a way where people will want to eat it. It's called a serving dish.

6. Prepare activities like games but don't force these activities upon your guests. If the evening is progressing nicely then just let it flow as it will. If not then, then you have the backup of the games to bring about the fun times you are so fervently seeking. Try not to kick your guests' asses in games with which they are unfamiliar. I can't say this enough... they will talk about you after the fact.

For the guest:

1. Never, never, never go to a person's house empty-handed. There are so many reasons for this that I could write an entirely separate blog on this alone. A few are as follows:

a. It's just plain good taste to bring offerings and builds your personal brand.

b. If they don't have a single thing you like then you can always eat or drink what you brought because you know you like it.

c. In case the host forgot something like beer or wine, you've got it covered, thus keeping them from having to go rush out to the store to save face.

2. Wear clean socks because you never know if the host requires guests to remove shoes. In fact, just take it for granted that you're going to have to take off your shoes when you go to someone's house. Ladies, have your feet done if going sockless. Men, no holes in the socks.

3. Be sure to find at least one thing to compliment. It could be the decor, the music, the food, or whatever but compliment it. There's no telling what the host put his or herself through both mentally and physically to prepare the event. This event could be saving their marriage, their sex life, their personal sense of worth.... You just never know. Acknowledge their costs, their work and their hospitality by appreciating it.

4. Do not go anywhere in the house that you have not been invited. It's not Disneyland. It's their house. If you discover something horrible and/or shocking then it may be quite hard for either you or the host to live it down. Plus, it's just poor taste to be snoopy.

5. If you brought anything pre-packaged like beer, wine, or potato chips, leave any unused portion at their house unless they tell you specifically to take it. If you cooked something and have leftovers, offer to leave them a portion but be sure to take your cookware. Also, gather any accessories like gloves, hats, scarves etc. There is no telling when you'll see that stuff again if you don't take it with you. (It took me four hours to make those hobo gloves, TC.)

Hope that helps! May you enjoy your next dinner party experience profusely.